4. Something I need to forgive someone else for.
This something is very fresh, and I want to express it, away from prying eyes, but where I can keep it for future reference. I need to forgive my friend for not wanting to be my friend anymore. It is her choice to walk away – I cannot and will not keep her tethered to me. The kindness and warmth would only turn to resentment and bitterness anyway. It is hard, though, to watch someone so clearly distance themselves from one. It has been evident for some time. And there have been signs. I ignored them for months, until I couldn’t. My gut told me this would happen, but, being a creature of hope and optimism, I ignored it. I told myself she just needed a little space. I gave her space, keeping in touch just enough that she’d know I was here when she wanted to return. Though I think I knew even then that she wouldn’t return.
She was a friend, but she was also a sometime business partner, and in that way, she let me down. I said it was all right – or would be. I said that I understood. I said I would never hate her, or hold this over her head. I said I know that I will find my way to forgiveness, and even offered it to her right away. These are all true things, but it is also true that I feel betrayed. My trust is in tatters, and I look back in hurt and wonder why. Why, and what did I do, that she couldn’t tell me how she felt? She said her pride got in the way. Perhaps so. After all, it is seldom about me. Nevertheless, I hurt. I want to retreat into myself, and the very shy and skittish girl inside is speaking up, saying This. This is why we shouldn’t trust people. This is why we shouldn’t love so freely. This is why we must keep our emotions in check.
I will forgive her – I always do. I cannot live without extending grace to others. However, things will never be the same. I will let her go, making no effort to keep her. It will be easier on us both.